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This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Wet.

Transcript[]

There's a school of gaming that thinks games need to be more "cinematic," a school where they have to put padding on every solid surface and none of the students are allowed near anything sharper than a crayon. What's so great about cinema? Not only does it propagate a culture of dangerous extravagance and crass exploitation, but you can't buy snacks without a decent credit rating and you get muscled off your armrests by fat nose-breathers with elbows the size of diving bells. But every now and again, someone tries to sell a game by claiming that it's "cinematic" - meaning that it's an interactive experience that apes a non-interactive medium. It's the equivalent of a film consisting entirely of text scrolls in order to be more like a book, or a man sticking his head in a pond in order to be more like a newt.

Wet (the title refers to "wet work," meaning assassinations - and nothing else) is the latest example of the "spectacle fighter" genre, a term I'm still determined to strong-arm into common parlance. Like House of the Dead: Overkill, it imitates the grindhouse feel of. . .well, Grindhouse, right down to an omnipresent film grain filter and the occasional old-style drive-in movie ad which pop up about twice as many times as it takes to stop being funny. The main character is Rubi, a tomboyish assassin who is about as likable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform. She's arrogant, rude, surly, psychotic, selfish, greedy, joyless, and really rather dim. And this may be a cheap shot, but she looks like a 15-year-old boy wearing a dirty mop head and a corset. The only way she could appeal is if your name is Russ Meyer and you built an entire film-making career around the same masochistic fantasy in which domineering women bite your knob off. Also, she seems to confuse swearing with wit. That's my thing!

The gunplay is based around Rubi's ability to automatically shoot one enemy while manually aiming with her other gun, which is an effective gameplay mechanic, but it only works when she's leaping through the air or wall-running or sliding along the ground like she's being carried along on an army of beetles, and at all other times she forgets she's holding more than one gun, so apparently she has an air-cooled brain. It's most reminiscent of Stranglehold; it has the same problem that game had. Yes, it's kind of thrilling when Inspector Tequila dives sideways in slow motion, shooting dual pistols while doves fly out of his arse, but when he does it 50 times in a row, you start to wonder if he hasn't got some kind of inner-ear disabling, dove-shitting medical disorder. So much of this game is spent watching Rubi's fat arse gliding along like the fucking Hindenburg in repetitive slow-motion combat, if it played at regular speed it'd be about half an hour long!

At this point, the game designer's boss says, "Okay, that's the combat. What other gameplay mechanics will there be?"

"Well!" replies the game designer. . .whom I will name Pillock. "How about, on some of the levels, everything goes all red and black and cel-shaded?"

"Er, no," says Pillock's boss, nobody's fool but his own, "that's just the same gameplay mechanic in pretentious arty bullshit-o-vision."

"Oh, right! I misunderstood you at first," replies Pillock. "There's also some Prince of Persia-style platforming sections, but you know how in Prince of Persia it was always clear where you were supposed to go and what was a ledge and what wasn't? Well, I think we should do the exact opposite of that and occasionally plunge important platforms in total darkness so you have to make leaps of faith like it's The Last Crusade."

"That sounds good," says Pillock's boss. "Actually, no, that sounds awful. And why is your head bandaged?"

"Also," continues Pillock, "every now and again, during a cutscene, a button will flash up and if you don't press it fast enough you have to start the cutscene all over again because of global flobal wobbly bits."

"Those are called Quick Time Events," says Pillock's boss with increasing concern, "and they're the worst idea in the world."

"I know it's the best idea in the world!" says Pillock. "So I'm just going to make a load of those instead of boss fights, and the final climactic level will just be an extra-long sequence of them because trying to be creative makes blood come out of my nose."

"I'd better go now," says Pillock's boss, making motions towards the exit and eventually a phone to call the police.

"Wait!" yells Pillock, banging his head against the desk for attention. "What about special challenge modes where you have to get around a training course in a certain time?"

"That's actually not a bad idea," says his boss, stopping at the door.

"I know!" says Pillock. "That's why I'm going to occasionally force the player to complete one during Story Mode for no apparent reason except to appease the octopus that lives in my head."

Then Pillock's boss goes away and throws himself in front of a train, although it was stopping at the station so he pretty much just makes a fool of himself.

Wet comes across as a project that set out with lots of ideas but ended up having to fling most of its weight out the rear door to pull out of a death dive. The climactic boss fight is a cutscene with six or seven Quick Time Events. These are the big baddies who have been set up all game as unstoppable badasses who kick so much arse they have to buy shoe polish that's specially formulated for buttock smell! It's the equivalent of, say, John McClane reaching the center of the terrorists' hideout to find they've all given up and gone home, so the last ten minutes of the film depict him doing a bit of tidying up before his taxi arrives.

Wet is an attempt at a cinematic game that has nothing to offer as cinema and even less as a game. Mind you, it is quite like a movie in one respect, and that's the fact that you spend most of it sitting on your arse doing nothing. The amount of loading is almost biblical, and it's particularly noticeable because they keep trying to hide it behind cutesy drive-in adverts or a shot of Rubi standing in an elevator for five minutes, her expression of angry boredom neatly mirroring my own. But you'll also see a lot of good-old-fashioned loading screens - in fact, at one point, the game quietly crashed behind a loading screen and it never went away. "Oh, Jesus," I thought, "it's finally happened; I've hit the loading screen singularity, an eternity of little spinning graphics and progress bars stuck permanently at ninety-nine percent." Then I reset the console, quietly hoping that my save would be wiped and I'd have an excuse to pack this shit in.

So that's basically Wet; it's "wet" in the sense that it feels like it needs its nappy changing.

Addenda[]

  • Diving through the air as we speak: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
  • I definitely do not advise googling for "Wet box" when Safesearch is off
  • I consider myself more of a "dry" person, really


Screenshots[]

Wet 1

As likable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform

Wet 2

"For no apparent reason except to appease the octopus that lives in my head"

Wet 3

I've hit the loading screen singularity

External Links[]

Episodes
2007 - 2010
2007
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2009
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2010
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2012
Q1 Serious Sam 3: BFE · Top 5 of 2011 · Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins · Sonic Generations · Star Wars: The Old Republic · Amy · Resident Evil: Revelations · Darkness 2 · Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning · NeverDead · Syndicate · Mass Effect 3 · Twisted Metal
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2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
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Q3 The Last of Us · Deadpool · Animal Crossing: New Leaf · Ride to Hell: Retribution · Dark · Mario & Luigi: Dream Team · Rise of the Triad · Papers, Please & Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons · Pikmin 3 · The Bureau: XCOM Declassified · Saints Row 4 · Killer is Dead · Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
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2014
Q1 Top 5 of 2013 · Knack · Killzone: Shadow Fall · Survival Special · Broken Age · Might & Magic X: Legacy · The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds · Dark Souls · Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII · Strider · Thief · Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2 · Dark Souls II
Q2 Titanfall · InFamous: Second Son · Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes · The Elder Scrolls Online · South Park: The Stick of Truth · FTL: Faster Than Light · Child of Day-Light · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure · Wolfenstein: The New Order · WATCH DOGS · E3 2014 · Murdered: Soul Suspect
Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
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2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
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Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
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2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
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2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5 · Remastered Editions · Outlast 2 · Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3 · Prey · Wilson's Heart · The Surge · Injustice 2 · Vanquish · E3 2017 · Strafe
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2018
Q1 Top 5 of 2017 · Okami HD · PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds · Fortnite and Dusk · Doki Doki Literature Club! · The Inpatient and Doom VFR · Monster Hunter World · Subnautica · Kingdom Come: Deliverance · Metal Gear Survive · Hot Coffee · Hunt Down The Freeman · Ghost of a Tale
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2019 - 2022
2019
Q1 Top 5 of 2018 · Super Smash Bros. Ultimate · Gris and Ashen · Katamari Damacy Reroll · Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes · Resident Evil 2 · Kingdom Hearts III · Metro Exodus · Far Cry New Dawn · Anthem · Crackdown 3 · Left Alive · Devil May Cry 5
Q2 The Division 2 · Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice · Unheard and Outward · Yoshi's Crafted World · Mortal Kombat 11 · Katana Zero · Days Gone · Close to the Sun · Rage 2 · Observation · A Plague Tale: Innocence · E3 2019 · Blood: Fresh Supply
Q3 Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night · Judgment · The Sinking City · My Friend Pedro and Sea of Solitude · Acclaim Entertainment Hall of Shame · Wolfenstein: Youngblood · Horace · Rebel Galaxy Outlaw · Control · The Dark Pictures Anthology: Man of Medan · Remnant: From The Ashes · Blair Witch · Gears 5
Q4 Astral Chain · Contra: Rogue Corps · Ghost Recon Breakpoint · Indivisible · The Outer Worlds · Call of Duty: Modern Warfare · Luigi's Mansion 3 · Death Stranding · Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order · Shenmue III · 2019 Games I Haven't Reviewed Roundup · Phoenix Point & Bug Fables
2020
Q1 Top 5 of 2019 · The 2010s' Most Significant Games · Boneworks · MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries & Wattam · Journey to the Savage Planet · The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners · Kentucky Route Zero · Zombie Army 4: Dead War · Wolcen: Lords of Mayhem · Dreams · Doom Retrospective · Black Mesa · Ori and the Will of the Wisps
Q2 Doom Eternal · Half-Life: Alyx · Resident Evil 3 · Animal Crossing: New Horizons · Final Fantasy VII Remake · XCOM: Chimera Squad · Cloudpunk & Streets of Rage 4 · World of Warcraft: The Corrupted Blood Incident · Ion Fury & Void Bastards · Maneater · Minecraft Dungeons · Shantae and the Seven Sirens · Desperados III
Q3 The Last of Us Part II · Persona 4 Golden · Stadia · Deadly Premonition 2: A Blessing in Disguise · Paper Mario: The Origami King · Ghost of Tsushima · Carrion & Beyond a Steel Sky · Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout · Mortal Shell · Spiritfarer · No Straight Roads & Battletoads · Marvel's Avengers · BPM: Bullets Per Minute · Serious Sam 4
Q4 Hades · Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time · Amnesia: Rebirth · Remothered: Broken Porcelain · Ghostrunner · Watch Dogs: Legion · The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope · Assassin's Creed Valhalla · Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales · Yakuza: Like a Dragon · Immortals Fenyx Rising · Cyberpunk 2077
2021
Q1 Top 5 of 2020 · Bugsnax and Super Meat Boy Forever · Medal of Honor: Above and Beyond · Demon's Souls (Remake) · Hitman 3 · The Medium · Werewolf: The Apocalypse - Earthblood · Little Nightmares II · Breathedge · Persona 5 Strikers · Harvest Moon: One World · Loop Hero and Everhood · Evil Genius 2: World Domination
Q2 Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town · Outriders · Oddworld: Soulstorm · It Takes Two · Balan Wonderworld · Resident Evil Village · Returnal · Biomutant · Subnautica: Below Zero · Miitopia · Necromunda: Hired Gun · Sniper: Ghost Warrior Contracts 2 · Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart
Q3 Scarlet Nexus · Mario Golf: Super Rush & Ender Lilies: Quietus of the Knights · Ys IX: Monstrum Nox · Cruelty Squad · Death's Door and The Forgotten City · The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles · Dreamscaper and Jupiter Hell · Twelve Minutes · No More Heroes III · Psychonauts 2 · Tormented Souls and The Artful Escape · Deathloop · Lost in Random
Q4 Kena: Bridge of Spirits · Far Cry 6 · Metroid Dread · Back 4 Blood · Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy · The Good Life · Sherlock Holmes Chapter One · Call of Duty: Vanguard · Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Definitive Edition · Resident Evil 4 VR & Oculus Quest 2 · Shin Megami Tensei V · Halo Infinite
2022
Q1 Top 5 of 2021 · 2021 Roundup of Games I Didn't Review · Praey for the Gods · Five Nights at Freddy's: Security Breach · Dying Light 2 Stay Human · Pokémon Legends: Arceus · Not For Broadcast · Elden Ring · Horizon Forbidden West · Babylon's Fall · Ghostwire: Tokyo · Tiny Tina's Wonderlands
Q2 Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin · Tunic · Weird West · 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim · Teardown · Rogue Legacy 2 · Trek to Yomi and Ravenous Devils · Salt and Sacrifice · Hardspace: Shipbreaker · Sifu · The Quarry · Neon White · Card Shark and Postal: Brain Damaged
Q3 Bob's Game · No Man's Sky in 2022 · Rainbow Billy: The Curse of the Leviathan · Stray · PowerWash Simulator and Endling · Hell Pie · Cult of the Lamb · Fashion Police Squad · Saints Row · The Mortuary Assistant · Soul Hackers 2 · Metal: Hellsinger · Splatoon 3 and Serial Cleaners
Q4 Return to Monkey Island · Prodeus · Scorn · A Plague Tale: Requiem · Gotham Knights · Mario + Rabbids Sparks of Hope · Bayonetta 3 · Sonic Frontiers · God of War Ragnarok · Marvel’s Midnight Suns · Evil West · The Callisto Protocol
2023
Q1 The Best, Worst, and Blandest of 2022 · High on Life · 2022 Roundup of Games I Didn't Review · Pentiment · Sailing Era · Forspoken · Hi-Fi Rush · Dead Space (2023) · Hogwarts Legacy · Atomic Heart · Metroid Prime Remastered · Resident Evil 4 (2023) · GDC 2023
Q2 Dredge and Tchia · The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog · Dead Island 2 · Star Wars Jedi: Survivor · Shadows of Doubt · Redfall · Darkest Dungeon II · The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom · The Lord of the Rings: Gollum · Amnesia: The Bunker · Street Fighter 6 · Diablo IV
Q3 System Shock Remake · Final Fantasy XVI · Dave the Diver · Chrono Trigger · Remnant 2 · Viewfinder & My Friendly Neighborhood · Baldur's Gate 3 · En Garde! & Blasphemous 2 · Sea of Stars · Starfield · Bomb Rush Cyberfunk · Lies of P & Chants of Sennaar · Mortal Kombat 1
Q4 El Paso, Elsewhere and ? · Armored Core VI · Assassin's Creed Mirage · Lords of the Fallen (2023) · Sonic Superstars · Alan Wake 2 · Marvel's Spider-Man 2 · RoboCop: Rogue City · The Talos Principle 2 · Persona 5 Tactica & American Arcadia · Avatar: Frontiers of Pandora
2024
Q1 The Best, Worst, and Blandest of 2023 · The Games of 2023 I Didn't Review · Beyond Good and Evil · Prince of Persia: The Lost Crown · Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth · Graven · Persona 3 Reload · Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League · Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden · Skull and Bones · Pacific Drive
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