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This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Fthreear.

Transcript[]

I can still remember a time when replacing letters with numbers in written English was a practice associated only with douchebags and people pretending to be douchebags ironically (so basically yeah, just douchebags). I wish we could go back to those days. You know, publishers, when you replace a letter with a number for your clever douchebag sequel name, it only means that other douchebags like me will just insist on pronouncing it that way when they read it out loud. As in Sesevenen and, indeed, Fthreear. Still, I prefer both of those to whatever the hell Thief 4's logo is playing at. When the fuck has it ever been acceptable to replace an "E" with a "4"? If you let that kind of bullshit scoot by too many times, then our daughters will all be shagging communists by this time next year.

Anyway, F.E.A.R. 3 is the latest, perhaps the concluding, installment of the slightly perplexing series that attempts to be a scary tactical shooter, not realising that tactical shooters are only scary if you tape a picture of Dracula to your iron sights. The other objective on F.E.A.R. 3 's daunting to-do list is to tie up the plots of all the previous F.E.A.R. games. And the best of fucking luck to it, 'cause that's like trying to untangle the Christmas lights in a pitch-dark room. I've played every F.E.A.R. game, even the ones they declared non-canon just to fuck with everyone's flowcharts, and here's the extent of the sense I can extract from the plot:

A research company named Cognitive Dissonance PLC kidnapped or grew or built from Meccano an incredibly psychic girl named Alma in an attempt to engineer an army of psychic supersoldiers, forcing her to give birth to two brothers to act as the psychic commanders, not realising that her psychic power allows her to create a psychic distortion of psychic reality and psychic psychic bendy spoons. After Alma psychically destroys a city at the end of F.E.A.R. 1 and gets herself psychic preggers again at the end of F.E.A.R. 2 - Christ, must be a generous child welfare scheme in this reality, along with the complete absence of corporate regulation - and the two original sons must team up to confront their mother and, um, complain about their new stepdad. I dunno, I lost track of all this around the time the first game's intro sequence.

The brothers are Paxton Fettel, rewarded for being the most powerful one by being given an actual name, which someone presumably came up with stuffing a chicken; and the Point Man, a hairy mute named after his role in life like a medieval laborer. Gratifyingly, the two playable characters have quite different play styles; it's not like that tedious Army of Two mentality of stamping out two versions of the same burly man of a mental age more appropriate for watching Spongebob than saving the free world. Fettel was killed in F.E.A.R. 1 and is now a ghost, a ghost exhibiting alarming solidity, but at this point he should probably just roll with it. Guns and grenades pass right through his ghosty hands, so he has more of a support role, mainly temporarily possessing enemies, which he apparently never ceases to find hilarious. The Point Man, meanwhile, has the sense of humor of a bowl of Weetabix and goes around doing the standard first-person shooter thing in sullen silence. He still has his bullet-time ability, and I remember previous F.E.A.R. games resembling the Baywatch opening titles, the amount I used it. But in this case I often forget I had it. I guess it felt less necessary, what with Point Man's imaginary friend running around the enemy ranks demanding piggyback rides.

F.E.A.R. 3 is co-op focused. I know, because I played the single-player first, and it was shit. But then I played the co-op and it was alright, so there you go. The problem is that F.E.A.R. 3 is like an extremely judgmental Noah's Ark and has nothing but contempt for you if you can't produce a mating partner. The game forces you to play as boring old Point Man for the entire first run through and has virtually no tweaking of difficulty to account for there only being one of you. There's one particular encounter with a robot in the latter half of the game that took like fifty tries even in co-op because it fires rockets like popcorn and must drip-feed itself Special K every morning for all the health it has.

Having said that, the Brothers Grimm can tank a surprising amount of damage, so running and gunning is often the viable tactic, and anything that allows me to get out from cover and stretch me legs is a positive thing in this age of mandatory wall romance. The Point Man's sliding tackle is both hilarious and weirdly effective, with many enemies dying instantly to a double boot to the ankles - perhaps they all follow the Achilles exercise program. Once I figured this out, I was merrily gliding around on my back like a proactive whore.

It's a matter of debate in my mind as to whether a multiplayer game should attempt any kind of story focus at all when the players will be busy talking amongst themselves or simulating sex acts to impress each other. It seems particularly unfair for the concluding episode of a thus-far single-player trilogy to suddenly turn up its nose at anyone who turned up stag. Some games are good for socializing, but very few of them also try to immerse you in a linear story, because that's something people want when other people aren't around and they don't have to keep up an image of aloof disinterest to seem cool. Two people do not simultaneously read a book, unless one of them is under the age of five, and you wouldn't design a book to be read in such a manner. And by the way, if there is anything less scary than a tactical shooter, it's a co-op tactical shooter, so F.E.A.R.'s continued attempts to be a horror franchise fall flatter than ever. Ooh, the lights flickered and a chair moved across the room. Sorry, I didn't notice 'cause I was busy teasing my brother about his implied desire to fuck our mum.

Just to veer toward some vaguely summary-shaped sunset, the surprise of F.E.A.R. 3 is that it's actually quite a solid co-op game that does just enough to escape the pit of cover-based shooting gallery tedium, so I hope you haven't yet liberated that homeless man from your basement. Even the single-player I'd rate higher than many if it would stop pounding at my tushie for five minutes. It's just that it still doesn't make more sense than an Antarctic timeshare. A large section of the game is spent tracking down Becket, the protagonist of F.E.A.R. 2, the baby-daddy, for reasons that are never made adequately clear, except perhaps to appease the F.E.A.R. 2 Becket Fan Club that doesn't exist. All he does is talk crazy at you for a few minutes, after which any semblance of connectivity is abandoned crying at the door of the orphanage while the rest of the game goes off on a carnival cruise to the nonsense planet.

And what I find slightly iffy is that there are two endings based on which of the two brothers was the best. Leaving aside the issue that this was supposed to be co-op, I find it hard to believe that most people would be able to play through the whole campaign with the same partner, because after that robot sequence, I doubt they'd ever want to see each other again. Unless a broken bottle is involved.

Addenda[]

  • Godfather of the nightmare child: Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
  • Has anyone else noticed that the box art for FEARs 1, 2 and 3 depict a sequence of Alma slowly walking towards the camera
  • Personally I'm quite looking forward to FE4R, 5EAR and FEA6

Screenshots[]

FEAR 3 1

Psychic psychic bendy spoons

FEAR 3 2

There's one particular encounter with a robot in the latter half of the game that took like fifty tries even in co-op

FEAR 3 3

Two people do not simultaneously read a book

External Links[]

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2007
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2012
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2013
Q1 Top 5 of 2012 · Paper Mario: Sticker Star · Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami · Anarchy Reigns · DMC: Devil May Cry · The Cave · Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch · Dead Space 3 · Aliens: Colonial Marines · Crysis 3 · Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance · Tomb Raider · SimCity
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2014
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Q3 Tomodachi Life · Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts: The Great War · Shovel Knight · EarthBound · Transistor · E.T. · Firefall · Sacred 3 · Risen 3: Titan Lords · Daikatana · Lichdom: Battlemage · The Sims 4 · Destiny
Q4 D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die · Hyrule Warriors · Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor · Alien Isolation · The Evil Within · Bayonetta 2 · Sunset Overdrive · Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare · Assassin's Creed: Unity · Far Cry 4 · Dragon Age: Inquisition · Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric · Top 5 Games of 2014
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2015
Q1 The Talos Principle · Elite: Dangerous · Five Nights at Freddy's and This War of Mine · Lords of the Fallen · Saints Row: Gat out of Hell · Dying Light · Grim Fandango · Evolve · The Order: 1886 · The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask 3D · Resident Evil Revelations 2 · Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number & Ori and the Blind Forest
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Q3 Alone in the Dark: Illumination · Batman: Arkham Knight · Yoshi's Woolly World · Cave Story · Godzilla · Rocket League & Tembo the Badass Elephant · King's Quest: A Knight to Remember · Nom Nom Galaxy & Freedom Planet · Everybody's Gone To The Rapture · Volume · Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain · Mad Max · Gears of War Ultimate Edition · Until Dawn
Q4 Super Mario Maker · SOMA · Rock Band 4 · Assassin's Creed Syndicate · Halo 5: Guardians · Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 · Rise of the Tomb Raider · Fallout 4 · Star Wars: Battlefront · Just Cause 3 · Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water
2016
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2015 · Devil's Third · Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam · Assassin's Creed Chronicles · Xenoblade Chronicles X · The Witness & Bombshell · Gravity Rush · XCOM 2 · Firewatch & Layers of Fear · Far Cry Primal · Stardew Valley & SUPERHOT · The Division · Salt and Sanctuary
Q2 Republique · Shadow Warrior · Quantum Break · Dark Souls III · Ratchet & Clank · Star Fox Zero · Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door · Uncharted 4: A Thief's End · Doom · Homefront: The Revolution · Overwatch & Battleborn · Mirror's Edge: Catalyst · E3 2016
Q3 Mighty No. 9 · Inside & Shadow of the Beast · The Technomancer · Furi & Song of the Deep · I Am Setsuna · Headlander & Quadrilateral Cowboy · Quake · No Man's Sky · Grow Up · Deus Ex: Mankind Divided · Metroid Prime: Federation Force · The Curious Expedition & Mother Russia Bleeds · ReCore
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2017
Q1 Top 5 Games of 2016 · Let It Die · Dead Rising 4 · Hitman · Gravity Rush 2 · Resident Evil 7 · Yakuza 0 · Nioh · For Honor · Nintendo Switch & Breath of the Wild · Horizon Zero Dawn · Nier Automata · Ghost Recon Wildlands
Q2 Mass Effect Andromeda · Yooka-Laylee · Persona 5 · Remastered Editions · Outlast 2 · Sniper: Ghost Warrior 3 · Prey · Wilson's Heart · The Surge · Injustice 2 · Vanquish · E3 2017 · Strafe
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2018
Q1 Top 5 of 2017 · Okami HD · PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds · Fortnite and Dusk · Doki Doki Literature Club! · The Inpatient and Doom VFR · Monster Hunter World · Subnautica · Kingdom Come: Deliverance · Metal Gear Survive · Hot Coffee · Hunt Down The Freeman · Ghost of a Tale
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2019
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2020
Q1 Top 5 of 2019 · The 2010s' Most Significant Games · Boneworks · MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries & Wattam · Journey to the Savage Planet · The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners · Kentucky Route Zero · Zombie Army 4: Dead War · Wolcen: Lords of Mayhem · Dreams · Doom Retrospective · Black Mesa · Ori and the Will of the Wisps
Q2 Doom Eternal · Half-Life: Alyx · Resident Evil 3 · Animal Crossing: New Horizons · Final Fantasy VII Remake · XCOM: Chimera Squad · Cloudpunk & Streets of Rage 4 · World of Warcraft: The Corrupted Blood Incident · Ion Fury & Void Bastards · Maneater · Minecraft Dungeons · Shantae and the Seven Sirens · Desperados III
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Q4 Hades · Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time · Amnesia: Rebirth · Remothered: Broken Porcelain · Ghostrunner · Watch Dogs: Legion · The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope · Assassin's Creed Valhalla · Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales · Yakuza: Like a Dragon · Immortals Fenyx Rising · Cyberpunk 2077
2021
Q1 Top 5 of 2020 · Bugsnax and Super Meat Boy Forever · Medal of Honor: Above and Beyond · Demon's Souls (Remake) · Hitman 3 · The Medium · Werewolf: The Apocalypse - Earthblood · Little Nightmares II · Breathedge · Persona 5 Strikers · Harvest Moon: One World · Loop Hero and Everhood · Evil Genius 2: World Domination
Q2 Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town · Outriders · Oddworld: Soulstorm · It Takes Two · Balan Wonderworld · Resident Evil Village · Returnal · Biomutant · Subnautica: Below Zero · Miitopia · Necromunda: Hired Gun · Sniper: Ghost Warrior Contracts 2 · Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart
Q3 Scarlet Nexus · Mario Golf: Super Rush & Ender Lilies: Quietus of the Knights · Ys IX: Monstrum Nox · Cruelty Squad · Death's Door and The Forgotten City · The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles · Dreamscaper and Jupiter Hell · Twelve Minutes · No More Heroes III · Psychonauts 2 · Tormented Souls and The Artful Escape · Deathloop · Lost in Random
Q4 Kena: Bridge of Spirits · Far Cry 6 · Metroid Dread · Back 4 Blood · Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy · The Good Life · Sherlock Holmes Chapter One · Call of Duty: Vanguard · Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Definitive Edition · Resident Evil 4 VR & Oculus Quest 2 · Shin Megami Tensei V · Halo Infinite
2022
Q1 Top 5 of 2021 · 2021 Roundup of Games I Didn't Review · Praey for the Gods · Five Nights at Freddy's: Security Breach · Dying Light 2 Stay Human · Pokémon Legends: Arceus · Not For Broadcast · Elden Ring · Horizon Forbidden West · Babylon's Fall · Ghostwire: Tokyo · Tiny Tina's Wonderlands
Q2 Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin · Tunic · Weird West · 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim · Teardown · Rogue Legacy 2 · Trek to Yomi and Ravenous Devils · Salt and Sacrifice · Hardspace: Shipbreaker · Sifu · The Quarry · Neon White · Card Shark and Postal: Brain Damaged
Q3 Bob's Game · No Man's Sky in 2022 · Rainbow Billy: The Curse of the Leviathan · Stray · PowerWash Simulator and Endling · Hell Pie · Cult of the Lamb · Fashion Police Squad · Saints Row · The Mortuary Assistant · Soul Hackers 2 · Metal: Hellsinger · Splatoon 3 and Serial Cleaners
Q4 Return to Monkey Island · Prodeus · Scorn · A Plague Tale: Requiem · Gotham Knights · Mario + Rabbids Sparks of Hope · Bayonetta 3 · Sonic Frontiers · God of War Ragnarok · Marvel’s Midnight Suns · Evil West · The Callisto Protocol
2023
Q1 The Best, Worst, and Blandest of 2022 · High on Life · 2022 Roundup of Games I Didn't Review · Pentiment · Sailing Era · Forspoken · Hi-Fi Rush · Dead Space (2023) · Hogwarts Legacy · Atomic Heart · Metroid Prime Remastered · Resident Evil 4 (2023) · GDC 2023
Q2 Dredge and Tchia · The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog · Dead Island 2 · Star Wars Jedi: Survivor · Shadows of Doubt · Redfall · Darkest Dungeon II · The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom · The Lord of the Rings: Gollum · Amnesia: The Bunker · Street Fighter 6 · Diablo IV
Q3 System Shock Remake · Final Fantasy XVI · Dave the Diver · Chrono Trigger · Remnant 2 · Viewfinder & My Friendly Neighborhood · Baldur's Gate 3 · En Garde! & Blasphemous 2 · Sea of Stars · Starfield · Bomb Rush Cyberfunk · Lies of P & Chants of Sennaar · Mortal Kombat 1
Q4 El Paso, Elsewhere and ? · Armored Core VI · Assassin's Creed Mirage · Lords of the Fallen (2023) · Sonic Superstars · Alan Wake 2 · Marvel's Spider-Man 2 · RoboCop: Rogue City · The Talos Principle 2 · Persona 5 Tactica & American Arcadia · Avatar: Frontiers of Pandora
2024
Q1 The Best, Worst, and Blandest of 2023 · The Games of 2023 I Didn't Review · Beyond Good and Evil · Prince of Persia: The Lost Crown · Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth · Graven · Persona 3 Reload · Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League · Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden · Skull and Bones · Pacific Drive
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