Wolfenstein

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Wolfenstein.

Transcript
Wolfenstein. Christ, we’ve been getting big-headed lately haven’t we? Not Wolfenstein 2 or Wolfenstein: Revenge of the Man with a Chocolate Box Concealed In His Hairdo, just Wolfenstein. It’s like what they did with Star Trek, Friday the 13th, and Final Destination. What, did some kind of apocalypse happen while I wasn’t looking and now everything has to reset? You know what future historians will say about us, right? “There were two very different games within the same 20-year period, both called Wolfenstein, and the second one was not strictly speaking a remake of the first. From this we can conclude that the people of the early 21st century were taking the piss!”

It feels weird to call it generic, since this is the franchise that practically invented the genre, but Wolfenstein – the new one, that is – subscribes to so many of the cliches of current generation action games that it’s like The Spy Who Loved Me of FPSes; it’s so obnoxiously safe and committee-designed that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. That’s why I’ve decided to review it in limerick form!


 * In the tumultuous time before D-Day,
 * There once was a man named BJ,
 * With chocolate box hair
 * And a face like a bear
 * And a jacket he picked up on eBay.


 * He was out one day murdering Germans,
 * As they tried to enact London’s Burning,
 * He beat up some dudes,
 * And broke missile tubes,
 * So their boat got blown up, that’ll learn ‘em!


 * But while there he made the discovery
 * That the Nazis had powers like no other-y,
 * He bought back a bangle
 * With some mystical angle,
 * To which the Allies responded, “Oh, buggery!”


 * At the secret service of Queen Lizzie
 * BJ’s bosses find themselves in a tizzy.
 * So they stand up and shout,
 * “BJ, sort this all out!
 * “We’d do it ourselves, but we’re busy.”


 * So he’s sent to a big German town
 * Where some serious shit’s going down.
 * There’s an active resistance
 * In need of assistance
 * And everything’s gone greyish-brown.


 * It soon becomes clear that the city
 * Has been invaded by occult committees:
 * Mystical preachers
 * And slavering creatures
 * And gymnasts with stonking great titties.


 * You may wonder if this is a sequel
 * To some past Wolfenstein, or a prequel
 * Depicting our hero
 * In a previous era
 * When he wasn’t looked upon as an equal.


 * It’s actually meant to succeed
 * Return to Castle Wolfenstein’s lead
 * Which is pretty damn slow
 * ‘Cause that was eight years ago
 * And the memories have gone stale indeed.


 * The new Wolfenstein seeks to enthrall
 * With an ongoing high-octane brawl,
 * But it’s a game about war
 * That we’ve all seen before
 * And just like the title adds fuck all.


 * Any pretense of freshness is gone
 * At the very outset of Stage One.
 * You escape your pursuers
 * Via underground sewers,
 * So we start as we mean to go on.


 * Your gun is of course your best friend,
 * On which you must always depend.
 * When you get into fights,
 * You can look down the sights
 * And bullets come out of the end.


 * Weapon choice doesn’t start too exciting:
 * Two machine guns, a rifle for sniping.
 * But later on, BFGs
 * Coming with guarantees
 * To shoot various flavours of lightning.


 * There are soldiers all over the place
 * Who can’t take two shots to the face,
 * But before you pour scorn,
 * They always respawn
 * At a pretty disquieting pace.


 * You don’t need to worry about health;
 * If you’re retarded and lousy at stealth,
 * Just get behind cover
 * If you’re in a bother
 * And it will all come back by itself.


 * It won’t help you avoid the bum-rape
 * Later on when you get into scrapes
 * With powerful blasters
 * And big armoured bastards
 * With weak points the size of a grape.


 * To help out, you have on your side
 * Magic spells that some crystals provide.
 * On the appropriate cue
 * The world turns greenish-blue
 * So it looks like your monitor’s died.


 * You can take down the big lads in minutes,
 * Start a fight with ten men and still win it,
 * Make your weapons divine,
 * Or just use bullet time
 * (Which wasn’t that great when Max Payne did it).


 * But the powers are hard to sustain;
 * Your magic is too swiftly drained.
 * In the middle of a fight
 * You’ll end up in the shite
 * And will suffer a whole world of pain.


 * And in between all of the shooting
 * You also must think about looting,
 * Because if you want to upgrade
 * Someone has to be paid,
 * And the shopkeepers don’t like freebooting.


 * Why do all games need upgrading elements?
 * Even in ones where it isn’t quite relevant?
 * It means all your big-hitters
 * Start off in the shitter
 * And your aim is unfirm and inelegant.


 * So when you’ve extinguished the danger,
 * You backtrack through all the chambers
 * Searching every last nook
 * For cash and chequebooks
 * (Which you won’t find much fun, I would wager).


 * It transpires that the in-game reality
 * Has pretensions to non-linearity.
 * The game says, “On your bike!
 * Go wherever you like,
 * As long as it’s in this principality."


 * But the freedom’s a mere gilded cage
 * That adds nothing to inspire or engage.
 * It just means beating feet
 * Through the same boring streets
 * Just to get to the next fucking stage.


 * There’s very little to do except hunt
 * For secrets and money upfront,
 * But the reward’s pretty lame,
 * All the streets look the same,
 * And the bads keep respawning, the cunts.


 * It's not a totally asinine chore,
 * There are optional missions to score
 * But I went out of my way
 * And found to my dismay
 * That in total there’s only like four!


 * I guess the ultimate question is “Why
 * Should I even bother to try?”
 * Every last NPC
 * Fills me with apathy.
 * Am I expected to care when they die?


 * I know what you’re gonna say, “Yahtzee,
 * “You slick Internet paparazzi,
 * “Surely it’s always fun
 * “To stick the butt of a gun
 * “Up the arse of a goosestepping Nazi!”


 * Well, if you like starting punch-ups in bars,
 * Or your head has been lodged up your arse,
 * Wolfenstein may give
 * At least some joie de vivre,
 * Otherwise don’t bother. Two stars.

Addendum

 * His unique reviewing technique
 * Is to speak with unbridled critique,
 * But if there's one thing he hates
 * It's postponed released dates,
 * So Arkham Asylum is next week.